A little rant:
Within the last week three people told me they found ahypnotist who would only trance them (in two of the cases onlyoccasionally) if they wouldn’t have any other relationships. Ofcourse all the tists had multiple playpartners / subs. That’s not howit works. And it should be an immediate red flag!
It’s alsoreally hard to see people I care about run into something like that.Even worse if they tell you the tist burns through subs in a hurry.Next red flag.
But the absurdest thing was… One of thosetist actually tried to proof how nice and safe they are by saying:“I’ve even released people before if it didn’t work out for them atall and gave them ALL of their freedom back!” And we’re even nottalking real d/s relationship, not slave / owner relationship, but a“I trance you occasionally”. Ridiculous.
Let me addanother domly dom quote I heard recently, this one for non hypnothing: “No, I don’t do aftercare, I’m too tired for that after ascene, and I don’t like it! But if you let me ignore all your hardlimits, I might give you some cuddles after it if I feel likeit!”
And all of those didn’t listen and wanted to go intoit… because they “Were so wonderfully controlling and dominant!”
Someone who is controlling outside a negotiated dynamic needstherapy, not a sub. Simple as that.
And yet, supported by thehorrible depiction of BDSM in the media, they always seem to findsomeone inexperienced to exploit and discard…
Some things that should raise red flags when you’re
looking for a dom:
– You negotiate a relationship. On eye level. If the “dom” dictated the relationship, sorry, that’s an abuser playing dom.
– You are on eye level until the negotiated relationship begins. Period. If you don’t want to play – there is no play.
– Same rules for everyone! The whole “I’m poly, but my subs have to be mono” thing is not how it works. It’s either mono and both focus on the other and good… or it’s poly… for both! Of course you can negotiate other dynamics. Let me repeat that word: NEGOTIATE! You have to be cool with it, they can’t dictate it to you.
– If someone burns through subs – it’s a red flag! If your potential dom tells you they had half a dozen subs in the last month or two and they were all useless and it didn’t work out – but of course you’re clearly different and it will be wonderful… This is a clear trend, and too much coincidence. Be careful!
– Should be obvious but still happens all the time: If a potential dom tells you “You don’t need a safeword for me, I’m sooooo safe!”. I never heard a safeword yet, and I still wouldn’t play without. There are a ton of things the dom can’t control.
– If they tell you they want to “push your limits”. Again, this can work negotiated, if you’re cool with it. But if they tell you “they want to push their subs limits because it’s the only way you grow” and how good that is for you… they pretty much tell you they will violate your consent. There is a surprising number of domly doms who views the hard limit list as a play suggestion list.
– If they instantly and pre negotiation want you to address them with some title. You won’t have fun with a dom with that little ego and confidence.
– If they try to control you before negotiation. They clearly don’t concern themselves with consent.
– If they can’t differentiate between play (negotiated dynamic) and reality (see the quote in the rant).
– If they tell you that they don’t do aftercare / you don’t need aftercare with them. Very dangerous. It creates depression and a strong addiction in the sub. Stay away. This topic is so important I will write about it in detail soon.
Even if you really want to find someone… take the time to find someone safe, otherwise you just get hurt and don’t have the amazing experiences you imagine! Being a sub doesn’t mean you don’t matter. Or your opinion doesn’t matter. Someone who doesn’t care about you and your safety – isn’t fit to dom you. Be safe!